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Asking for Help

August 2024

Hiding Vulnerability

Earlier this year I read the book 100 Years of Solitude by Gabriel García Márquez. In it, one of the characters starts to experience deteriorating eyesight as she grows older and refuses to tell anyone about it. She memorises how to navigate through the family home without having to depend on vision, noticing how predictable people are in their habits to the point where she can avoid bumping into anyone, and remains silent about her condition even as she approaches total blindness.

Although it was a work of fiction, I wondered what this character was so afraid of that she couldn’t reveal her physical disability as she aged. Then again, many of us fear appearing vulnerable, dependent, useless, or a burden on the lives of loved ones. Is it any surprise that it can be a challenge to let anyone know when we’re not at our most capable?

The reality is that friends, relatives, and even total strangers often don’t mind assisting others when needed. For some, it’s a very meaningful and rewarding experience. Yet those same people will frequently stay quiet at times when they would also benefit from receiving help.

Objections

Here are a few objections that are commonly raised about asking for help:

- “It might put the other person in an awkward position if they want to say no.”

- “I don’t want to inconvenience anyone.”

- “I can handle it on my own.”

I can relate to each of those objections above. At the same time, I would much prefer to be told clearly when and how my help is wanted (e.g., “If you’re able to, could you please help me on Thursday morning to move some furniture in my new house?”), rather than relying on hints or mixed messages (such as, “I might have a hard time moving my couch, but I think it’s better I do it on my own”).

In other words, by receiving a clear request for help, I know what’s being asked of me so I can respond with a clear yes or no, which need not be awkward at all.

And if someone is going to be inconvenienced by what is requested, the option is always there for them to decline. While it’s true that there are ways to ask for things that can come across as overly forceful or even manipulative, we have the choice to ask for help in a respectful way without putting pressure on another person, and without being too vague about it either. The more we can take responsibility for saying no to tasks that we cannot or do not wish to do, the more we can respect and trust in the ability of others to do the same.

Another point to remember is that people do not always feel inconvenienced by being of service. If we express gratitude (rather than apologising profusely), it could even brighten someone’s day by letting them know how much their actions are appreciated.

As for the third objection, there’s no harm in asking for help with something to make it less demanding or more enjoyable than doing it alone – even if we are perfectly capable of managing it ourselves. Plus, the sooner that help is requested, the easier it usually is for another to assist. I have been asked on several occasions in the past to help in a situation after it had escalated to become quite serious or even reached a crisis level, long after that help could have been given. The lesson here is to ask as soon as possible if you suspect that you might benefit from some help, even if you genuinely believe you can handle it all on your own.

Giving and Receiving

For anyone who finds it challenging to ask for help (which is most of us, at least some of the time), it’s probably the case that receiving anything from others can be a challenge.

Do you find it hard to receive compliments, gifts, favours, money, or affection in any form? Is it easier to give these things to others than to accept them for yourself?

Asking for and receiving help is more than okay. It has the potential to bring great joy to everyone involved, and that’s not an exaggeration.

I once offered something to a woman who was absolutely thrilled to receive it from me. I didn’t know her very well, but the experience of giving to her was memorable and special. She was beaming with joy, and incredibly open and receptive energetically. The happy way in which she accepted what I wanted to give transformed the interaction so that it become a gift to me as well. Sometimes the roles of giver and receiver can merge into what feels to be the same thing.

Many people have more faith in spiritual forces to deliver help in times of need than they do in other physical beings. However, there is so much we can give and receive from our fellow humans. Even if powerful spiritual presences are on our side, they might very well need the assistance of people (whether they are inspired helpers, or confused and frazzled messengers, or unsuspecting delivery workers!) to give tangible help in various forms.

As a playful challenge, I invite you to think of something that you can do on your own but would be easier or more fun to get done with a little assistance. Then reach out and ask for help from someone who you suspect may be willing to assist. It could be a friend, a neighbour, or a professional who’s paid to do the kind of work you’re wanting help with.

Some examples could be:

- After an emotionally difficult day, ask for a cuddle.

- If you buy a present from a place that offers gift wrapping, accept the offer to have the item professionally wrapped.

- Allow a friend to escort you to a medical appointment for a bit of extra moral support.

The possibilities are endless!

If you take up the challenge, please let me know – I’m curious to hear how it goes.

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